Jiminy cricket, here Obama is again politicking while I’m trying to carry out a serious dialogue about the economy. You know what I’m talking about. He went out and found a black lesbian reporter at ABC, strongarmed her into an interview, and then abused the platform to tell the world that he supports gay marriage (but with enough caveats to make the position all but meaningless). He’s trying to change the dialogue, because he knows there will be only one person in this election who can win based on the economy and psst it isn’t him. And what am I to do? There seems to be some phony ‘communal memory’ out there that I beat up a gay individual back in high school. But make no mistake, I have nothing against gays -I served in the government of Massachusetts after all- but when they get too assertive about their lifestyle choice it hurts us all. This is one of those moments when I wish Mr. Santorum were back in the race so he could speak the truth on this issue, PC baloney be darned. 

I knew it would happen before too long.

It’s been a long and hard ride on the campaign trail lately, folks. But the organization we’ve carefully built over the last year is performing exactly as planned. Newt is imploding like we expected, and whenever Tricky Rick has talked it’s been the same thing as kicking a bees nest. Except instead of bees there are liberals. Plus Ron Paul will be dropping out any day now, which will only bring more publicity to the other two ‘unelectables’. And by unelectable I mean unelectable. 

Check out the numbers, friends:

www.intrade.com/v4/markets/?eventId=84326

As you can see, political experts agree that there’s only one serious contender in this race - and his name doesn’t rhyme with moot or trick. 

[via www.InstantTees.com]

Hahaha. Nice work fellas.

Tricky Rick, you are making my job a lot trickier. How can moderates and swing voters take the Republican party and Republican candidates seriously when we’ve got guys like you spewing hate speech at all hours of the day?

Look at the numbers, guy. 64% of Americans age 30 and under support gay marriage. 96% of those same voters are opposed to racism, such as your recent denunciation of black people. If you don’t pay attention to the numbers, how will you ever formulate your platform? And more crucially, how will you ever get elected?

As my idol and political role model Ronald Reagan used to say: “There is an 11th Commandment in politics: thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican.” And oh boy, do we have a field that is in flagrant violation of that 11th Commandment right now. Newt, why? People at Huffington Post were predicting you would implode when you smelled defeat, and I scoffed at them, because you are a brilliant man, and that would be beneath your dignity. Yet I never felt more hated and vilified then while debating you yesterday in Florida. 

I refuse to descend to this sort of mud-slinging. But beware, Newt: my aids and I have been cultivating some rebuttals that will knock the socks off of your muddy feet. 

And I thought she had it out for me! What a miraculous turn-around from NYT columnist Gail Collins. It’s about time that somewhat presented a fair appraisal of my opponent in 2012. A few choice tidbits from her op/ed today:

• “The man who came to Washington on a wave of euphoria has had a presidency with all the joy of a root canal, dragged down by W.’s recklessness and his own inability to read America’s panic and its thirst for a strong leader.”
• “Despite what his rivals say, the president and the first lady do believe in American exceptionalism — their own, and they feel overassaulted and underappreciated.”
• “The Obamas, especially Michelle, have radiated the sense that Americans do not appreciate what they sacrifice by living in a gilded cage.”

As they say in the Bible, my enemy’s enemy is my friend! So long as she doesn’t bring up “dog-gate” again in her pieces, I just may have to give her a call of thanks on my first in the oval office. 

Sorry friends for being so tardy with this post. It has been a crazy, crazy week. Candidates that I thought had crucified themselves long ago have effectively been resurrected. But the parallels to Jesus end there. Ok, back to the campaign trail! Wish me well in Florida. Lord knows I’ll need it. 

Just as non-sensical as this zero dollar bill is the Republican hullabaloo surrounding the release of my personal financial information yesterday. No gesture could be more mundane. I paid the fair amount of tax at the right time: no evasion, no subterfuge, nothing remotely fishy. I made the money in the most honorable way possible: by investing in companies, firing people who needed to be fired, and creating hundreds of thousands of American jobs in the process. And now Republicans want to criticize the few dollars I’ve earned and the many dollars I give to the US government on a yearly basis? Look, people: I read the Communist Manifesto once too, but I don’t use it to guide my career - or my criticism of other candidates.